youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
