Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
