where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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