i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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