guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
