At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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