I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
