my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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