just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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