I CAN MOONWALK!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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