WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Come share oat with me in your robe
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm too high and old for this...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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