I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
