my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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