Whatcha textin bout Willis?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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