why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
