my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
