so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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