I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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