ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My ATM looks so different sober.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize