I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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