ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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