Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
