I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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