if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize