youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
