GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
