Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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