I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
