We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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