I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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