A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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