He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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