I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
