God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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