If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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