party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
