Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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