I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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