like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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