dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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