I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
