He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
