end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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