I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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