my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
