He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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