Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
