The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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