So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize