I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
MIDGETS
????
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
