I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
