Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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