I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
