Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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