i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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