you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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