I can tuck mytits in my pants
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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