How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
