yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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