oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm getting married
To pizza
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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