that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
