I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
